Ask the Marriage Maven: Perturbed By Pornography
I just found out that my husband has been looking at pornographic pictures of other women on the internet. He says its no big deal, but I dont feel comfortable with it at all. In fact, I think its disgusting. Its hurting our relationship. Every time hes with me, Im wondering if hes thinking about the other women. It makes me feel ugly What can I do?
L.J.
A. First of all, dont beat yourself up about it. Im sure that youre a beautiful person, and thats the reason your husband was attracted to you in the first place. However hard it may seem, try not to compare yourself with the fantasy. There is only one you, and your husband knows it.
From your question, I take it that youve talked with your husband about his habit. Thats a great first step. Unfortunately, pornography is one of the most deceptive and destructive habits facing many married couples. In fact, the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families states that “approximately 40 million people in the United States are sexually involved with the Internet.” Thats just a fraction of the overall porn industry. So youre not alone.
One of the best ways to get your husband to stop is to let him know exactly how you feel. You used the words ugly and disgusting with me. Have you used those exact words with him? He needs to know exactly what his habit is doing to you, your self esteem, and your view of the marriage.
Have the conversation knowing that the battle may not end there. Your husband may be addicted. Some signs of pornography addiction include (but are not limited to) secretive behavior, spending exorbitant amounts of time or money on the habit, and ignoring other responsibilities in order to engage in the behavior.
If you think your husband is addicted, here are some other resources that can help:
http://www.sexualcontrol.com/pornography-addiction.html
http://www.afa.net/pornography/addiction.asp
http://www.purelifeministries.org/
The Way of Purity Course (http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/enroll/enroll.php)
http://open-mind.org/Directory/index.php?ax=list&cat_id=9
Non-Denominational Or Mixed Religion Weddings, How To Make It Happen…
Couples of mixed religions or who come from families that do not have a strong religious background may choose to have either a non-denominational wedding or a wedding that blends two separate religions. This can be tricky however because many religions may not honor or recognize a wedding unless it is performed according to their own unique guidelines. For this reason it is very important to check with potential officiants and church leaders to ensure that your wedding plans will result in a union that is recognized by both churches. This is significant because you would not want to invest time and money on a marriage that will wind up not being recognized by the church and possibly not even recognized by the government. Whether a couple decides to have a non-denominational wedding, incorporate aspects of both religion into a ceremony that will not be recognized by either faith or participate in two separate religious ceremonies, it is important to remember that their love for each other and their love of their faith are equally important.
If both the bride and the groom have very strong faith backgrounds and wish to have their wedding recognized by their respective churches, they may have to take a few extra steps to ensure that their union is recognized by their churches. Sometimes the only way to do this is to have a wedding ceremony in both churches. This may seem like an unnecessary step but one of the defining criteria of having your marriage recognized by your faith, for many religions, is to have your wedding ceremony in the church. It is simply not possible to do this unless the couple takes the extra steps of having two wedding ceremonies to ensure that they will be both be accepted as a married couple into their faiths.
Another alternative to participating in two separate ceremonies in order to have the union recognized by both churches is to have a non-denominational wedding that is only recognized by the government. Couples may choose this option if they do not have the time or money that would be required to have two separate wedding ceremonies. A couple may choose a compromise that results in neither church recognizing the union. The theory behind this type of choice is that the couple decides that their love for each other is strong enough to survive and that they do not need to have the approval of their churches in order to have a successful and lasting marriage.
Still another alternative is to have a non-denominational wedding ceremony at a location in a natural setting. At this type of ceremony the couple has no restrictions and can choose to incorporate either religion into the ceremony in any way that they see fit. They may do this by using traditional prayers and religious songs during the ceremony. While this type of ceremony will not be recognized by the church is does offer the couple the opportunity to incorporate some of the religious traditions of both of their faiths into a beautiful ceremony that successfully blends two religions.
A final alternative is to incorporate one faith fully into the wedding ceremony and incorporate the other faith fully into the wedding reception. This option results in the marriage being recognized by one of the religions but does not allow the other family to feel neglected because their faith is well represented in the traditional activities of the wedding reception. This option is only feasible if the member of the couple who will not have their church recognize the union, is completely accepting and understand of this fact. This is important because the resentment and jealousy that could result from this could be very detrimental to the couple.
Inter-faith couples are on the rise. Years ago it was unheard of to marry someone outside of your faith but this is no longer true and many couples today are inter-faith couples. It is difficult but not impossible to integrate the two faiths in a way that is satisfactory to all of those involved. While the faiths can be blended to create a beautiful wedding, the problem is that many churches will not accept this blended wedding as a union. Sometimes the couple decides that their happiness together is more important than having the church recognize the union so they opt for a non-denominational wedding that is completely devoid of any religious traditions.
If youre relationship is struggling and marital problems are beginning to intrude into your everyday life then now is the time to put a stop to it, decide if what you perceive to be marital problems are really that much of an issue and if so do something about it.
Relationships are never perfect and some appear less perfect than others but just because you dont always see eye to eye and just because you have let the relationship slide it doesnt mean to say that you werent meant to be together.
Marital problems become a head at some point in most relationships with the stresses and strains of every day life making it hard to enjoy quality time with your partner. Without intimate moments, little treats and romantic evenings that help your relationship feel magical and special, couples tend to naturally loose that bond that bought them together and start to question the state of their marriage. If you have begun to doubt your relationship, dont panic, even if your marital problems have reached a new height and you are beginning to feel that your marriage is a shell with nothing left to recover, with the right advice and a little positive determination you can save your marriage.
There is nothing wrong with having negative feelings about your partner, like you, they arent perfect, we all make mistakes, we all have our off days and we are just what we are. That doesnt mean to say you have to like and appreciate everything about your partner, you just have to focus on what bought you together in the first place, love them for what they are, appreciate the good points and accept the bad and acknowledge that no one is perfect.
Marriage is all about teamwork, there is no point expecting one partner to take care of the finances, for example, if they are useless with money and then get upset when the bank account is empty half way through the month. If they are useless at finances now the odds are they have always been that way, that is what you married and you just have to learn to work around it, not focus on it and not let it eat you away inside.
I was speaking to someone the other day who is due to get married in a few months. He was getting really wound up over something his fianc had done. The trouble was she was acting exactly as she always does, no different so if it is going to let it wind him up now what is the point of getting married in the first place!! People rarely change, she will probably always react to situations in the same way, its there at the start so unless her husband to be can learn to accept it and not get wound up they will struggle with marital problems almost from the outset.
You have to enter into marriage with your eyes open. Emotional intimacy and marital bonds develop over time with partners generally being drawn together as they journey through life. Your partner becomes your sole mate, the person you rely on and the person that is there for you whenever you need them but they dont change!
Dont let common marriage problems get you down, do something about them, it doesnt matter what has happened, or how it happened, you have to learn to tackle it marital problems head on. Dont wait for someone else to sort it out, there is only you and your partner in the marriage, no matter what has happened and what either you have done when it comes down to deciding if you can and if you want to save your marriage then no one else counts.
You have the power at your finger tips, even if your partner isnt motivated to do anything about it, with the right marriage advice you can resolve your marital problems, make decisions, sort out your life and save your marriage.
Despite all the fashionable theories of marriage, the narratives and the feminists, the reasons to get married largely remain the same. True, there have been role reversals and new stereotypes have cropped up. But biological, physiological and biochemical facts are less amenable to modern criticisms of culture. Men are still men and women are still women.
Men and women marry to form:
The Sexual Dyad – Intended to gratify the partners’ sexual attraction and secures a stable, consistent and available source of sexual gratification.
The Economic Dyad – The couple is a functioning economic unit within which the economic activities of the members of the dyad and of additional entrants are carried out. The economic unit generates more wealth than it consumes and the synergy between its members is likely to lead to gains in production and in productivity relative to individual efforts and investments.
The Social Dyad – The members of the couple bond as a result of implicit or explicit, direct, or indirect social pressures. Such pressure can manifest itself in numerous forms. In Judaism, a person cannot hold some religious posts unless he is married. This is a form of economic pressure.
In most human societies, avowed bachelors are considered to be socially deviant and abnormal. They are condemned by society, ridiculed, shunned and isolated, effectively ex-communicated. Partly to avoid these sanctions and partly to enjoy the emotional glow that comes with conformity and acceptance, couples get married.
Today, a myriad lifestyles are on offer. The old fashioned, nuclear family is one of many variants. Children are reared by single parents. Homosexual couples bind and abound. But a pattern is discernible all the same: almost 95% of the adult population get married ultimately. They settle into a two-member arrangement, whether formalized and sanctioned religiously or legally – or not.
The Companionship Dyad – Formed by adults in search of sources of long-term and stable support, emotional warmth, empathy, care, good advice and intimacy. The members of these couples tend to define themselves as each other’s best friends.
Folk wisdom tells us that the first three dyads are unstable.
Sexual attraction wanes and is replaced by sexual attrition in most cases. This could lead to the adoption of non-conventional sexual behavior patterns (sexual abstinence, group sex, couple swapping, etc.) – or to recurrent marital infidelity.
Pecuniary concerns are insufficient grounds for a lasting relationship, either. In today’s world, both partners are potentially financially independent. This new found autonomy gnaws at the roots of traditional patriarchal-domineering-disciplinarian relationships. Marriage is becoming a more balanced, business like, arrangement with children and the couple’s welfare and life standard as its products.
Thus, marriages motivated solely by economic considerations are as likely to unravel as any other joint venture. Admittedly, social pressures help maintain family cohesiveness and stability. But – being thus enforced from the outside – such marriages resemble detention rather than a voluntary, joyful collaboration.
Moreover, social norms, peer pressure, and social conformity cannot be relied upon to fulfill the roles of stabilizer and shock absorber indefinitely. Norms change and peer pressure can backfire (“If all my friends are divorced and apparently content, why shouldn’t I try it, too ?”).
Only the companionship dyad seems to be durable. Friendships deepen with time. While sex loses its initial, biochemically-induced, luster, economic motives are reversed or voided, and social norms are fickle – companionship, like wine, improves with time.
Even when planted on the most desolate land, under the most difficult and insidious circumstances, the obdurate seed of companionship sprouts and blossoms.
“Matchmaking is made in heaven” goes the old Jewish adage but Jewish matchmakers in centuries past were not averse to lending the divine a hand. After closely scrutinizing the background of both candidates – male and female – a marriage was pronounced. In other cultures, marriages are still being arranged by prospective or actual fathers without asking for the embryos or the toddlers’ consent.
The surprising fact is that arranged marriages last much longer than those which are the happy outcomes of romantic love. Moreover: the longer a couple cohabitates prior to their marriage, the higher the likelihood of divorce. Counterintuitively, romantic love and cohabitation (“getting to know each other better”) are negative precursors and predictors of marital longevity.
Companionship grows out of friction and interaction within an irreversible formal arrangement (no “escape clauses”). In many marriages where divorce is not an option (legally, or due to prohibitive economic or social costs), companionship grudgingly develops and with it contentment, if not happiness.
Companionship is the offspring of pity and empathy. It is based on and shared events and fears and common suffering. It reflects the wish to protect and to shield each other from the hardships of life. It is habit forming. If lustful sex is fire – companionship is old slippers: comfortable, static, useful, warm, secure.
Experiments and experience show that people in constant touch get attached to one another very quickly and very thoroughly. This is a reflex that has to do with survival. As infants, we get attached to other mothers and our mothers get attached to us. In the absence of social interactions, we die younger. We need to bond and to make others depend on us in order to survive.
The mating (and, later, marital) cycle is full of euphorias and dysphorias. These “mood swings” generate the dynamics of seeking mates, copulating, coupling (marrying) and reproducing.
The source of these changing dispositions can be found in the meaning that we attach to marriage which is perceived as the real, irrevocable, irreversible and serious entry into adult society. Previous rites of passage (like the Jewish Bar Mitzvah, the Christian Communion and more exotic rites elsewhere) prepare us only partially to the shocking realization that we are about to emulate our parents.
During the first years of our lives, we tend to view our parents as omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent demigods. Our perception of them, of ourselves and of the world is magical. All entities – ourselves and our caregivers included – are entangled, constantly interacting, and identity interchanging (“shape shifting”).
At first, therefore, our parents are idealized. Then, as we get disillusioned, they are internalized to become the first and most important among the inner voices that guide our lives. As we grow up (adolescence) we rebel against our parents (in the final phases of identity formation) and then learn to accept them and to resort to them in times of need.
But the primordial gods of our infancy never die, nor do they lie dormant. They lurk in our superego, engaged in incessant dialogue with the other structures of our personality. They constantly criticize and analyze, make suggestions and reproach. The hiss of these voices is the background radiation of our personal big bang.
Thus, to decide to get married (to imitate our parents), is to challenge and tempt the gods, to commit sacrilege, to negate the very existence of our progenitors, to defile the inner sanctum of our formative years. This is a rebellion so momentous, so all encompassing, that it touches upon the very foundation of our personality.
Inevitably, we (unconsciously) shudder in anticipation of the imminent and, no doubt, horrible punishment that awaits us for this iconoclastic presumptuousness. This is the first dysphoria, which accompanies our mental preparations prior to getting wed. Getting ready to get hitched carries a price tag: the activation of a host of primitive and hitherto dormant defence mechanisms – denial, regression, repression, projection.
This self-induced panic is the result of an inner conflict. On the one hand, we know that it is unhealthy to live as recluses (both biologically and psychologically). With the passage of time, we are urgently propelled to find a mate. On the other hand, there is the above-described feeling of impending doom.
Having overcome the initial anxiety, having triumphed over our inner tyrants (or guides, depending on the character of the primary objects, their parents), we go through a short euphoric phase, celebrating their rediscovered individuation and separation. Reinvigorated, we feel ready to court and woo prospective mates.
But our conflicts are never really put to rest. They merely lie dormant.
Married life is a terrifying rite of passage. Many react to it by limiting themselves to familiar, knee-jerk behavior patterns and reactions and by ignoring or dimming their true emotions. Gradually, these marriages are hollowed out and wither.
Some seek solace in resorting to other frames of reference – the terra cognita of one’s neighbourhood, country, language, race, culture, language, background, profession, social stratum, or education. Belonging to these groups imbues them with feelings of security and firmness.
Many combine both solutions. More than 80% of marriages take place among members of the same social class, profession, race, creed and breed. This is not a chance statistic. It reflects choices, conscious and (more often) unconscious.
The next anti-climatic dysphoric phase transpires when our attempts to secure (the consent of) a mate are met with success. Daydreaming is easier and more gratifying than the dreariness of realized goals. Mundane routine is the enemy of love and of optimism. Where dreams end, harsh reality intrudes with its uncompromising demands.
Securing the consent of one’s future spouse forces one to tread an irreversible and increasingly challenging path. One’s imminent marriage requires not only emotional investment – but also economic and social ones. Many people fear commitment and feel trapped, shackled, or even threatened. Marriage suddenly seems like a dead end. Even those eager to get married entertain occasional and nagging doubts.
The strength of these negative emotions depends, to a very large extent, on the parental role models and on the kind of family life experienced. The more dysfunctional the family of origin – the earlier (and usually only) available example – the more overpowering the sense of entrapment and the resulting paranoia and backlash.
But most people overcome this stage fright and proceed to formalize their relationship by getting married. This decision, this leap of faith is the corridor which leads to the palatial hall of post-nuptial euphoria.
This time the euphoria is mostly a social reaction. The newly conferred status (of “just married”) bears a cornucopia of social rewards and incentives, some of them enshrined in legislation. Economic benefits, social approval, familial support, the envious reactions of others, the expectations and joys of marriage (freely available sex, having children, lack of parental or societal control, newly experienced freedoms) foster another magical bout of feeling omnipotent.
It feels good and empowering to control one’s newfound “lebensraum”, one’s spouse, and one’s life. It fosters self-confidence, self esteem and helps regulate one’s sense of self-worth. It is a manic phase. Everything seems possible, now that one is left to one’s own devices and is supported by one’s mate.
With luck and the right partner, this frame of mind can be prolonged. However, as life’s disappointments accumulate, obstacles mount, the possible sorted out from the improbable and time passes inexorably, this euphoria abates. The reserves of energy and determination dwindle. Gradually, one slides into an all-pervasive dysphoric (even anhedonic or depressed) mood.
The routines of life, its mundane attributes, the contrast between fantasy and reality, erode the first burst of exuberance. Life looks more like a life sentence. This anxiety sours the relationship. One tends to blame one’s spouse for one’s atrophy. People with alloplastic defenses (external locus of control) blame others for their defeats and failures.
Thoughts of breaking free, of going back to the parental nest, of revoking the marriage become more frequent. It is, at the same time, a frightening and exhilarating prospect. Again, panic sets it. Conflict rears its ugly head. Cognitive dissonance abounds. Inner turmoil leads to irresponsible, self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors. A lot of marriages end here in what is known as the “seven year itch”.
Next awaits parenthood. Many marriages survive only because of the presence of common offspring.
One cannot become a parent unless and until one eradicates the internal traces of one’s own parents. This necessary patricide and unavoidable matricide are painful and cause great trepidation. But the completion of this crucial phase is rewarding all the same and it leads to feelings of renewed vigor, new-found optimism, a sensation of omnipotence and the reawakening of other traces of magical thinking.
In the quest for an outlet, a way to relieve anxiety and boredom, both members of the couple (providing they still possess the wish to “save” the marriage) hit upon the same idea but from different directions.
The woman (partly because of social and cultural conditioning during the socialization process) finds bringing children to the world an attractive and efficient way of securing the bond, cementing the relationship and transforming it into a long-term commitment. Pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood are perceived as the ultimate manifestations of her femininity.
The male reaction to childrearing is more compounded. At first, he perceives the child (at least unconsciously) as another restraint, likely to only “drag him deeper” into the quagmire. His dysphoria deepens and matures into full-fledged panic. It then subsides and gives way to a sense of awe and wonder. A psychedelic feeling of being part parent (to the child) and part child (to his own parents) ensues. The birth of the child and his first stages of development only serve to entrench this “time warp” impression.
Raising children is a difficult task. It is time and energy consuming. It is emotionally taxing. It denies the parent his or her privacy, intimacy, and needs. The newborn represents a full-blown traumatic crisis with potentially devastating consequences. The strain on the relationship is enormous. It either completely break down – or is revived by the novel challenges and hardships.
An euphoric period of collaboration and reciprocity, of mutual support and increasing love follows. Everything else pales besides the little miracle. The child becomes the centre of narcissistic projections, hopes and fears. So much is vested and invested in the infant and, initially, the child gives so much in return that it blots away the daily problems, tedious routines, failures, disappointments and aggravations of every normal relationship.
But the child’s role is temporary. The more autonomous s/he becomes, the more knowledgeable, the less innocent – the less rewarding and the more frustrating s/he is. As toddlers become adolescents, many couples fall apart, their members having grown apart, developed separately and are estranged.
The stage is set for the next major dysphoria: the midlife crisis.
This, essentially, is a crisis of reckoning, of inventory taking, a disillusionment, the realization of one’s mortality. We look back to find how little we had accomplished, how short the time we have left, how unrealistic our expectations have been, how alienated we have become, how ill-equipped we are to cope, and how irrelevant and unhelpful our marriages are.
To the disenchanted midlifer, his life is a fake, a Potemkin village, a facade behind which rot and corruption have consumed his vitality. This seems to be the last chance to recover lost ground, to strike one more time. Invigorated by other people’s youth (a young lover, one’s students or colleagues, one’s own children), one tries to recreate one’s life in a vain attempt to make amends, and to avoid the same mistakes.
This crisis is exacerbated by the “empty nest” syndrome (as children grow up and leave the parents’ home). A major topic of consensus and a catalyst of interaction thus disappears. The vacuity of the relationship engendered by the termites of a thousand marital discords is revealed.
This hollowness can be filled with empathy and mutual support. It rarely is, however. Most couples discover that they lost faith in their powers of rejuvenation and that their togetherness is buried under a mountain of grudges, regrets and sorrows.
They both want out. And out they go. The majority of those who do remain married, revert to cohabitation rather than to love, to co-existence rather to experimentation, to arrangements of convenience rather to an emotional revival. It is a sad sight. As biological decay sets in, the couple heads into the ultimate dysphoria: ageing and death.
Marriage is one of the most important bonds two human beings can make with each other. Universally, marriage is the joining of a man and a woman, who promise to support and love each other for the remainder of their lives. Generally, this promise is taken within a spiritual context. Good marriages are not hard work. and actually flow quite smoothly. It is actually bad marriages that are a lot of hard work. Good marriages become bad marriages when mistakes are made that ruin the romantic love spouses once had for each other.
Marriages become bad when one or both partners fail to meet each other’s emotional needs or makes the other partner unhappy. Either one can destroy a marriage because needs are not being met. It is always much harder to be in a marriage when you stop loving the other person. However, working on
old mistakes and trying hard to meet unmet needs,can heal wounds in a marriage and make it whole again, so that marriage again becomes easy and wonderful.
A person will generally marry someone who does a good job of meeting their emotional needs. Every encounter you have with that person prior to marriage will prove his or her effectiveness, because he or she will make you feel good whenever you are in their company. After you have had a few of those experiences, you will find yourself in love. In fact, falling in love – what is known popularly as romantic love, is actual proof that the person you are dating is meeting some of your important emotional needs.
Some of the most important values women in general have placed in potential life partners are: affection, conversation, honesty, openness, fairness, financial freedom and support, and commitment. Some of the most important needs men have expressed are: recreation, physical appearance, admiration, domestic support, and sexual fulfillment.
Some of the most frequent causes of conflict within a relationship are the result of behavior choices on the part of one or both partners. For example, a spouse that is demanding and controlling creates an unhealthy dynamic and environment. Disrespect, abuse, anger, and domestic violence are all harbingers of pain and suffering into a relationship, resulting in deterioration and ultimate death of love in a marriage, as well as creating a whole Pandora’s box of other evils. Other causes of conflict include ignoring, slighting, coldness, emotional withdrawal, dishonesty, and continuation of behavior that is annoying to one of the spouses and the other spouse refusing to change or alter their behavior.
A lot has been written regarding choice for a marriage partner. One of the simplest and most effective ways is to listen to your own heart. How do you feel around the other person? Do you feel appreciated, cared for, protected, important, secure, and loved? When you start to think about
what you want and how you want to be treated, you can create a relationship that embodies that for yourself.
In simple terms, there are four important things to consider before marriage to a potential life-mate: caring,protection, time, and honesty. Caring means that you meet each other’s most important emotional needs. Protection means you avoid being the cause of each other’s unhappiness. Time means you give each other time each week for undivided attention. By honesty, you promise to be totally honest with each other.
Never Ask God For Something That You Are Not Ready To Receive
This is a true story the events that took place that day are real and in no way fabricated nor exaggerated.
Waking up the morning of June first 1999 seven days before my wife Tonyas 27th birthday was pretty much like any other morning. I was still a little bit tired because I had stayed up late the night before. But all in all it started out ok. Little did I know the events that were to occur later that day would affect my life forever?
Now before I go any farther let me explain a little bit about my wife. Tonya was a young woman of 26 years old. She had Struggled for quite some time with Alcoholism, Drug addiction, depression, and a mental disorder known as schizoaffective disorder that was well on its way to becoming full blown Schizophrenia.
In case you are unfamiliar with schizoaffective disorder. The most prevalent features are depression, delusions and hallucinations.
Tonya was doing wonderful though, she was taking her medication and was episode free for quite some time. She had even managed to stay drink and drug free for eight months. But that morning shortly after breakfast all that changed.
I had just cleared the table and went in to the bedroom to fine Tonya sitting on the bed shaking and crying, in a panic.
I asked her what was wrong. Her reply made my heart sink and just plane freaked me out.
She replied, I am Dead. Rather shocked from her answer I asked, what are you talking about. She didnt seem to understand my question and continued. Im dead and so is my father and they put my back together using his body parts.
I realized then what was happening. She was having a hallucination. She had become delusional.
I sat down on the bed next to her and took her hand and assured her that she was very much alive and so was her father.
Oh can we go see him? She asked wanting proof that in fact her father was not dead.
Wanting desperately to bring some reality back to her I agreed and off to her parents house we went.
Well Tonyas parents are big racing fans and as it turned out, her Mother and Father had left for the weekend to go to an automobile race. So when we arrived at their home they were not there. This just confirmed in Tonyas mind that what her delusions were telling her were true. She was more frantic then ever.
I had been through this before with Tonya but never this bad. But I knew that in time it would subside I hope anyway.
With nothing to do but wait it out and see what was coming next I decided to return to our apartment.
As we were driving towards home Tonya started to come back to reality and gain a bit of composure. This was great for the brief moment it lasted.
No sooner had she started to come back to reality when she blurted out, I need a drink!
Please get me some wine coolers?
O.M.G! What now? Tonya had not had a drop of alcohol for 8 months and now she was demanding a drink.
Knowing what I had already gone through with her past drinking and with the events of that morning. I was quite up set with the thought of her starting to drink again.
NO! I will not buy you any wine coolers. You havent had a drink in 8 months Im not going to be the one to help you get started again now. I told her.
Of course this just started a big argument. She wanted wine coolers and she was not going to take no for an answer. One thing about Tonya is that if she wanted something she would be relentless and hound you until she got her way. So we argued the rest of the way home.
It was getting close to the time I had to leave to go to a doctor appointment I had scheduled at noon and Tonya was still hounding me.
Enough! I broke and went to the store and bought her the damned wine coolers.
Tonya must have chugged the whole 4 pack because within 15 minuets she was back in my face demanding that I go back to the store and get her more wine coolers.
I all but lost it. I dont know when I had felt that mad in quite some time. Having to go to my appointment anyway I stomped out in anger. As I slammed the door behind me I raised my hands up to the sky and shouted. God Take This Woman Away From Me! And went on to my doctor appointment.
I was at the doctors office for the rest of the afternoon. I got home around 5:00 that evening to find the apartment empty. Tonya Was gone and she didnt leave a note as to where she had gone.
Time went by and Tonya had not come home. So I began to worry a bit. I called around to hospitals and the police. No one had seen nor heard about her. It began to get really late and Still Tonya was not home. By this time worry swelled to panic, I jumped into the car and drove all over town looking for her but she was no ware to be found.
The rest of that night was spent driving and looking or on the phone to hospitals or the police still no sign of Tonya.
The thing is, I knew something had to be wrong. Because despite her obvious faults Tonya loved me and would have never stayed away from home all night with out at least calling. Many times in the past it had gotten late and she would call and say Honey can you come get me. And I would.
But not this time.
It was about 7:30 Am the morning of the first. I must have dozed off for a few moments. Waking up I searched the room for any sign that Tonya had come home. Nope she was still M.I.A. I had to get up and get on the road. I promised my oldest son that I would teach him how to spray paint the door to my car. I was restoring a Chevy Beretta GTZ and I told him he could help me with it.
Still worried about Tonya I went to pick him up.
We got back to my apartment around 8:30am. As I pulled up in to the parking lot were I was going to perform my auto body masterpiece. One of the men that worked down stares from my apartment came rushing up to tell me. There is a detective from the police department in my shop looking for you.
At that moment my heart sank and began to race all at the same time. Half of me hoped that they had found Tonya safe and sound. While the other half just knew that something terrible had happened.
Hesitantly I hurried to the shop down stares from my apartment to meet the detective. At the door a man in a blue suit, black shoes and a two-dollar haircut asked, Are you Michael Walrath? Yes. I answered. Before I could add anything else he responded. This is about Tonya. Then ask me if I would join him in his car.
Once in the car the detective told me the bad news Tonya is dead! It rang out like a gun shot that hat hit me right between the eyes Tonya Is Dead! Some ware deep in side of me I already knew it but that was no consolation. My wife was gone. The woman that I love was gone. The woman that I had been so angry with the day before was gone.
If you could only realize the hurt, panic, sorrow, and guilt I felt at that moment. After all I did leave in a state of rage. I did raise my hands to the air and shout to God. Please Take This Woman Away From Me! I did leave not even saying goodbye or telling her that I love her. She Was Gone!
I wont go into detail of what happened to her here. I will just say that it was not from natural causes nor by her own hand, and it was very brutal.
No I dont blame God. I also dont blame myself. And Of course I certainly dont blame Tonya.
It was not Tonyas fault that she had a disease. And God has no fault. God searches our harts and he will give us what truly resides with in. As far as my self though even though I know I am not to blame. A part of me knows that if I had been able to pray to God with an understanding of prayer and how to communicate what was in my heart long before this tragedy had ever happen it might not have went down like it did.
This sad but true story has many morals. One could be never leave a loved one in anger with out telling them you love them. There are many more you could derive from this tale. But the one that I am here to stress is, learn to speak to God. Talk to him every day. Tell him what is in your heart and on you mind. Ask him to help and guide you, to give you strength and wisdom. But the most important thing is Never Ask God For Something That You Are Not Ready To Receive.
Lighting is an important ingredient for wedding photography. Unlike most other areas of professional photography, weddings require all types of lighting, all on the same day, such as window light, outdoor lighting, bounce lighting, and multiple electronic lighting. Each type of light has its drawbacks but also offers opportunities for creative work. In order to appreciate fine lighting, study the works of the master painters. Notice how the artists were acutely aware of lighting and light direction; shadows fall as they would in a naturally lit scene. They understood the difficulty in trying to make a two-dimensional. Increasingly, electronic flash equipment, with its automatic thyristor circuitry, is being used as the easy way to photograph a wedding. Some photographers boast that they can shoot a whole job at f/8, allowing the flash unit to do the work. Unfortunately, this type of lighting is really noticeable and unappealing.
The two broad categories of lighting discussed below are: existing light and electronic flash. Existing light consists of natural light and the light sources encountered, such as lamps or chandeliers. Electronic flash or strobe lighting includes single and multiple lighting setups, as well as umbrella and the other bounced lighting.
Existing light. Taking pictures in existing light that are consistently well exposed is not a simple task. Because of the great color variation between a brides white gown and a grooms black tuxedo, cameras with built-in light meters will not suffice and are rarely used in wedding photography. A reliable way of measuring light is crucial. There are two types of exposure meters available: those that measure incident light, and those that measure reflected light. An incident-light meter measures the amount of light that falls onto a white dome that collects the light. Even lighting condition such as shade, the reading will usually give a proper exposure.
Reflected-light meter measures the intensity of light coming off the subject. Critical users of light meters tend to prefer this type. The meter is pointed toward the subject from the camera position or in the line from the camera toward the subject.
To photograph with window light, place the subject close to the window and looking toward it. Direct sunlight creates harsh shadows and highly contrasting highlights and shadow areas and unless some form of fill light is used, the shadow side of the face will have insufficient illumination. Fortunately, more diffuse shaded light is usually available.
Engagement rings encompass in them the sense of love, commitment and fidelity, they are given at a special moment in the lives of two people, promising an eternal love and honor between the two.
So you are now faced with the first decision of your new life, it is clear that making a proposal is far more important than anything material, your marriage proposal is going to be remembered for a long time, and will be told over and over again to all of the closest and dearest people in your life. A marriage proposal is something to consider and reflect about.
While most people know that the intention of inviting someone to share your life with forever is the most precious thing a men can offer, many disregard the importance of symbolism in the act itself and the gift that comes with it. An engagement ring is a sign that a promise has been made and that a time of significant change will arrive in the life of the person wearing it. Do not forget that most woman keep their engagement ring on their hands long after the marriage, sometimes on the same finger as the wedding ring.
Most people choose a diamond ring as an engagement ring, this means that you need to learn a thing or two about diamonds before actually going to the shop to choose one. Understanding diamonds requires knowledge of the basic four elements, the color, cut, clarity and carat.
Color is the result of the composition of a diamond and it can not be changed, meaning that a diamond does not change or can not be changed into any other color . When a jeweler is describing the color of a diamond they are referring to the presence or absence of color in white diamonds. Because a diamond with no color allows maximum light to pass through, colorless diamonds are preferred for their sparkle.
The common thing to think about when thinking of a diamond, is the way they shine and the different facets they have (turning a diamond in light produces this affect which indicates the cut), the cut refers to a diamonds reflective quality. This is very important when shopping for an engagement ring.
Most diamonds are cut with 58 facets. The brilliance of diamonds is heavily dependent on the cut. The different angles and the finish of a diamond determine its ability to reflect light and cause its brilliance and fire. The cut of a diamond is very important, in engagement rings especially, because some woman have only one diamond ring the engagement ring, you should pay close attention to the cut of it, sometimes a cutting fault can produce very evident flaws in the quality of the light passing through the ring, it is easy to notice, but important to know. The cut has an importance on the durability of the diamond, if you are looking for an engagement ring that promises stability you should probably make sure that the engagement ring you buy has been dealt with professionally.
Carat is the diamond industry standard, it is a unit of weight to measure diamonds. When speaking of one carat you are in fact speaking of 200 milligrams of weight. The carat itself is made of one hundred particular parts called points. These points in the carat are the ones you refer to when talking about points, for example 150 points in would be one and a half carats.
The clarity of the diamond is a clear indication of its worth, the clearer the better and more expensive. A ideal diamond ring should be flawless, from the outside and the inside, but that would cost a lot of money. The clarity is the factor of the inner quality of the diamond, since during the formation process some inclusions occur in most diamonds you will have to compromise for some kind of decreased clarity .Engagement rings are not expected to be perfect rings, with perfect diamonds, it is normal that a diamond on a engagement ring would not be flawless. To be considered flawless, a diamond must have no surface or internal imperfections visible upon being viewed by a skilled diamond grader using 10 power magnifications.
Carat is the unit of weight by which diamonds are measured. One carat is equal to 200 milligrams. A carat is divided into 100 segments called points. 150 points would equal one and a half carats.
Now that you know the basics of diamonds you can start shopping for the engagement ring, traditional engagement rings have a huge rock (look at the size of this rock!) on them, it is not necessarily the best way to go, try to think of the woman you are buying it for, what is her favorite color, does she have any sensitivity to any kind of metal, what is her opinion of diamonds and how flashy would she like her hand to be.
Do not be afraid to ask the jeweler questions, it is not every day that you will be shopping for an engagement ring, and speak your mind.
Good luck buying your engagement ring, and I wish you a life full of happiness and glitter, just like a brilliant diamond engagement rings has
Many people desire of a Maui wedding. Very few of them actually make it reality. The basic fact or behind such failure is that people think Maui wedding to be difficult to plan, too expensive, and just too much burdens. However, its not like the way people think. Maui weddings can be easy to organize and reasonably affordable with Mauius.com. We know wedding happens once in a lifetime and everyone want it inn their own way. Mauius.com ensures your wedding experience to be spectacular by arranging Maui wedding in an amazing and inexpensive manner.
When it comes to arrange Maui weddings, among all the name Mauius.com has occupied the top slot. We have designed a perfect wedding planning service which will bring you sheer joy while enjoying your Maui wedding ceremony. This design is capable enough to leave an indelible impression on the mind of your guests. We help couples in planning all the aspect of Maui wedding from the ceremony to the reception and everything in between. Wedding video, photography, limo hire, cake, reception and more services are waiting for you to make your Maui wedding incomparable. To help couples celebrate their Maui wedding Mauius.com ideas has added many new flavors for real marriage success. We arrange wedding ceremonies at some of the popular Maui wedding destination such as Hamoa Beach, Maui Tropical Plantation, the Maui Ocean Center Aquarium, Makena Cove, Wailea Rock Point, Kamaole Beach Park, Lava Point, Kapalua Bay Beach, the Kula Botanical Gardens, the Tropical Gardens of Maui, the Kepaniwai Heritage Gardens, the Oluwalu Plantation Estate, the Keawakapu Estate, and several Maui wedding chapels. Specialty of planning memorable Maui weddings in the most beautiful tropical locations is the key story behind our success.
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The best course of action to take sometimes isn’t clear until you’ve listed and considered your alternatives. The following paragraphs should help clue you in to what the experts think is significant.
Bangkok, the city of angles or ‘Krungthep’,was established in 1782 by King Rama I. The very charm of the city, indeed the whole country, is its antiquity combined with rapid modernisation. Amidst sealed skyscrapers nestle the old pagodas of the many ‘wats’ or temples. Roadside Buddhas ,exist and profilerate, ensuring handy outless for joss-sticks and flower offerings, food and shawls. The more the offerings, the more fervent the prayer of the devotee…
Roadside stalls and shops jostle for space with these Buddhas along with food vendors-on pushcarts, on little stools, on stands, in baskets carried on a pole across the shoulders. Fruit and flower sellers stand at every corner.
Aromatic cooked rice in leaf or plastic packets are sold even in mini supermarkets, with the smell an intergral part of the atmosphere of Thailand. Seafood predominates-with a rich chilli flavour. Indians and vegetarians need not fear for there are plenty of Indian hotels in the city. In fact an Indian would instantly feel at home, wandering around the crowded city-the people are friendly and one even finds roadside cobblers here, unlike the posh Singapore and Kuala Lumpur. And best of all Indians are glorified as tourists here for they do a lot of shopping and the Thai economy practically rests on tourism.
A honeymoon couple would be advised to go on a pre-booked package with a reputed hotel. Bel Aire Princes is a fabulous hotel, expensive and luxurious. It also serves small variety of Indian food in the evenings. The Indra Regent area has many Indian enteries too. The package ensures a visit to the Wat Arun, the Golden Buddha temple, the Reclining Buddha, the Emerald Buddha and the City Palace. Most of these sights will be familiar to the Indian movie goer, for Bangkok has become a popular movie location.
City tours include a visit to the rose garden, the gem cutting centre and a silk factory.
Thailand is famous for its gemstones and silver jewellery, both certain to bring stars to a bride’s eyes. Chinatown is a lovely area to walk through, filled with flowers and produce. Food is a delight here.
Truthfully, the only difference between you and Honeymoon experts is time. If you’ll invest a little more time in reading, you’ll be that much nearer to expert status when it comes to Honeymoon.
Clothes are cheap as labour costs are low. Thai’mumdee’ silk or tye and dyed silk is a specially, a must-buy for most women. As for readymades, Prathunam Market is a near paradise, a whole busy enclave on Ratchprarop Road. Here are located fashion houses like Armani and Versace. But never mind them, right below their regal noses one can purchase fine imitations, complete with logo, in the open sir stall of Prathunam. The garments are churned out in the closed markets behind with sewing machines busy round the clock. ‘How many do you want?’ asks the friendly shopkeeper when I ask the price of a Boss Shirt. he laughs when I ask for just two, more used to Indians buying in bulk.
A walk along Soi 3,4 and 5 leads to Akbar, and Indian restaurant, serving good Mughlai food. Along the Sois are open air stalls selling handicrafts, clothes, cloisonne, wood masks, blue pottery, the unique metal turquoise painted Thai musician fingurines, watches-all fake, toys,VCDs. All remain open till 11p.m.
Patpong and silom-these are the famous night bazaars of Bangkok, where life begins only after 10p.m. Food-one can eat a variety of Thai food on the pavements or go into the Western food joints, pubs and bars here. Massage parlours have women standing outside, enticing unwary tourists. Heading out of the city is an option to go to Pattaya, a 2hour trip to a beach town. Pattaya is a strange place with a sightly seedy promenade where Indians are not advised to venture after dark. The cabaret show and a trip to Coral Island so it is only worth it if you are into snorkeling and water scooters. Perhaps a place best avoided by the romantic couple. For those with a sun and water fixation, islands like Krabi, Kochi Samui, Phuket, etc. are geared to be ideal resorts. Rafting and canoeing, other than just sunbathing, are sufficient thrills here-with the knowledge that Leonardo di Caprio sunbathed here as an added attraction!
A trip to Kanchanaburi, about 128 kms away, is good for nature lovers and would ensure a less crowded and more romantic scenario. The Death Railway and the Bridge on the River Kwai are, of course, not to be missed here. But the best part of a visit to Thailand is a trip to the Floating Market-about 2 hours away in Ratchaburi. Tours start early in the morning, in order to reach there well before the boats come out. One is put in the water in a long launch for a leisurely ride in the canals for about 1 1/2 hours. Old homes jut above the banks, with daily chores and baths conducted in the streams.
And then suddenly, at a turning, one sees scores of long open boats coming at you, each with one person at the helm, mostly women. And the boats are piled high with produce-hot food, fresh vegetables, etc. Breakfast is served like never before! The boat comes along and jars alongside, the old women boats sturdy enough to ram into each other. business is conducted over the water, and selling and buying has never been so charming. After the ride, the banks lined with handicraft shops entice one to buy cheap blue pottery, pewter and clothes. Romantic keepsakes will not make a deephole in the pocket here.
If going about the city on one’s own-the MRT or the lovely little tuktuk (autolike vehicle) driven merrily with scant regard for rules are safe methods of transport and cheap. In the throng of Bangkok’s traffic which turns to five packed lanes on an expressway, the tuktuk is sure to make rapid headway. And for that shopping stroll, the only way to cross the road is to do as the Thais do- hold up you hand to stop the flow and sash across.
With so many spots so soaked in romance,Bangkok is a great honeymoon destination-with a little extra honey making further lovely spots within one’s reach. Best to avoid the place in April though, when the heat touches a sizzling 42, fizzling out romance!
If you’ve picked some pointers about Honeymoon that you can put into action, then by all means, do so. You won’t really be able to gain any benefits from your new knowledge if you don’t use it. http://www.rabbitresort.com